The Fussy Reader

TLDR
Characters - 3/5
Plot - 3.5/5
Setting - 1/5
Writing - 2.5/5
Final Impression - 2.5/5
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This is a solid effort for a self-pubbed debut, but I think there's room for improvement. I think with more experience, Daniel Greene will be a really great writer. I think if the book had been longer and allowed the characters to really breathe and allow the little nuances of each relationship to be established, then I think I could've really liked them all and invested a lot more in the stories. Although I didn't like the ending, it did leave me interested to see how things will proceed from here. So because of this, I'm intrigued enough to pick up the sequel in the future.

Full Review

2.5*

Characters
Though the character development wasn't really there, I still felt there was just enough there for me to like Khlid, Sam, and Chapman and invest in their stories. Like the world-building, think the characters likewise suffer from this being a novella. On average, I find novellas underdeveloped, and this book is no exception. It's nothing personal to the book, it's just my feelings for the format in general.
I think if the book had been longer and allowed the characters to really breathe and allow the little nuances of each relationship to be established, then I think I could've really liked them all and invested a lot more in the stories.

Plot
So I knew going into this that I wasn't the biggest fan of detective novels. Excluding a few exceptions, it's a genre that usually leaves me cold. But this seemed like a short and easy read, and I'd seen some talk about it being gory, which is clearly something I love.

My personal opinion? I think chapters one and two should have been merged into one. Chapter two was by far the more interesting of the two and ends with enough intrigue to keep the reader invested. I really could have done without the shed scene. It didn't add anything, as far as I can tell and just took up valuable page time. Chapter two made for a much better opening than the actual opening, which was much slower in comparison.

I'll be honest, once we hit the warehouse chapter and beyond, I lost track of what was actually happening. It was easy to follow when it was simply a murder mystery but once we reached the warehouse, I honestly couldn't tell you what was going on. So who were the real baddies in the end? The rebels, the M.O.D. or the Chosen? There seemed to be so many different threads involved but they never really came together to create a clear and succinct narrative. More on this in my spoiler section.

Although I didn't like the ending, it did leave me interested to see how things will proceed from here. So because of this, I'm intrigued enough to pick up the sequel in the future.

Setting
By nature, novellas aren't the place to be developing detailed fantasy worlds, there just isn't the page count for it. Unless it's a novella based in a previously established world that has already done the leg-work building up an entire world, there is literally no way a novella can feel lush and alive and lived-in. A novella alone can't do this.

I think this may be to the story's detriment. Perhaps if a full series had been released and then this dropped as a prequel, readers would be a lot more forgiving.
But as it stands, the world-building just isn't there, and I came away from this knowing as much about this world as I did before I started it.

Writing Style
This is all going to come down to personal preference, more so than any of the above categories. I feel there are two types of writing. Prosaic writing and invisible writing. Obviously, one is a lot more visual and paints a broader more flowery, more decorative picture, while the other is, well, the opposite. It tries to deliver just enough information to not muddy up a narrative and stick to the point. (Invisible writing is a style Brandon Sanderson has perfected)
The style in this book definitely leans heavily into invisible writing, which makes it very hard for me to judge as it's not my preferred style. I'm not even a fan of it when Brando Sando does it, so it's nothing personal here. But in terms of accomplishing its goal of being effective invisible writing, yeah, it gets the job done.

What I will say though is that I think it suffers a little from the dreaded show vs tell issue. (Note I didn't say don't tell.) I actually think it's very important sometimes to tell the readers things. Not everything should be shown. But I also believe telling should be used less than showing. Showing the reader is by far more important, and though there is some decent showing at times, it's not utilised as much as it should be.
I think if the balance were reversed, this wouldn't be an issue at all.

I also think there were times, especially during some of the action scenes when the writing could've been more dynamic. I think swapping out some of the weaker words for a couple of power words would've gone a long way to making the scene more visible exciting.
However, this is a debut and self-pubbed so I'm going to cut this a lot of slack. Writing and publishing a book is hard and I have respect for any author who can single-handedly do what an entire publishing house can do.

It may also need another round of edits. For instance the use of 'The Capital Police' on page 50 and 'the Capitol Police' on page 51. Case sensitive words are just as important as spelling mistakes.

My personal preference, grammatically, is I like more contractions in writing. I feel it brings a smoother, more natural flow to the writing, but everyone's got their own style.

Spoilers
I don't normally do a spoiler section like this, but there were a few things that confused me or just bugged me and I feel deserve a mention. Be warned, there will be some serious spoilers here.

Spoiler

So I was enjoying the story pretty much up until the warehouse chapter. It generally felt rushed and under-developed. When Khlid discovered Champan turning into some kind of tree monster(?) it was left really vague whether she'd shot him or not. I didn't actually know if he still lived until he came back to fight the Chosen.
And then when Khlid met up with Sam again, why the fuck didn't she feel the need to mention 'btw, Chapman's been infected and he's turned into a tree-man'? The fact she didn't mention it diminished his loss entirely. Like if it doesn't matter to his friend, why would it matter to me? Then the Chosen is introduced and the whole scene left me asking why. It's mentioned the Chosen are demigods, but in context to this world and what a demigod actually is and why it's important, I'm left a little clueless. The problem isn't the demigod, it's the lack of world-building and set-up. If the Chosen had been mentioned earlier, even if only briefly, this reveal might have been more of an 'oh shit!' moment. Set-up is so important.

Then I need to mention something in the writing that bothered me. It's hinted in places that 'this would be Khlid's last case' or 'she kissed her husband for the last time,' and sure, that may be a tantalising tease, but it's omniscient narrating. The story is told in third-person limited, and then every so often there are these weird third-person omniscient intrusions and it breaks immersion cause it has me wondering who the actual narrator of the story is.
And certain word choices felt wrong to me. Like 'voluptuous', a word typically used to describe a curvy woman, being used to describe a man. It's the little details that pull me out of a story.

Now regarding the rebels, the M.O.D. and the Chosen. How were the three connected? What were the experiments they were doing and why? What was the black stuff they were injecting into people? I get maybe Khlid had to run away because the Chosen are all powerful, but like, why? What was it she'd even discovered in the warehouse that had her fleeing for her life? I genuinely don't know. She didn't even look in the barrels, did she? Man, I'm just so fucking confused. What happened at the end there? If someone can explain it I'd actually be grateful because I couldn't follow it at all.

Final Impression
Look, my critiques of this book by no means reflect my opinions of the author. I never judge an artist from the merit of their art, and you shouldn't either. I like Daniel Greene's YouTube channel. He seems like a great guy, but this book (a wholly separate entity to him) wasn't really for me.

The biggest suggestion I would make to any writer, at whatever stage in their careers, would be to get a few solid critique partners. I don't know if Daniel Greene worked with critique partners or not but I just feel like a quality critique partner (who is also a stranger, not a friend) would have picked up on a few of the issues I and other readers had.

I don't want to come across as overly critical, cause this is a solid effort for a self-pubbed debut, but I think there's room for improvement. I think with more experience, Daniel Greene will be a really great writer.

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